Blurry
by GreysAnatomyiscoolerthanyou
Summary: Set after Six Days Part 2: Addison thinks about her abortion, and what could have been. I do not own Grey's Anatomy, sadly.
1. Everything's so blurry

**Everything's so blurry**

Even though you didn't want it, you still wonder.

You didn't want a baby, yet you still think about it.

Would it have been a boy or a girl?

A mini-Mark or mini-Addison?

Would it have been happy?

These thoughts never really left Addison's mind since the day she had an abortion.

She tried like hell to erase them, by forcing things with Derek, by having sex with Mark, kissing Alex. Nothing made it go away. It was always there, like a ghost haunting her mind.

The nights where she snuggled up next to Derek, trying to escape it all, she dreamed she were in New York with a huge belly, looking like pregnancy had thrown up all over her. The dream became a reoccurring nightmare that began appearing every night. Derek never even noticed when Addison would sit up in bed for hours every night after tossing and turning. Then again, Derek never really had noticed her at all once he was in Seattle.

Days, weeks, and months passed, and the dreams faded away.

Then Derek was gone, and she couldn't handle being alone. So, she had called the only person who knew what she had done. Her would-of-been baby's father. He came, she didn't know wether it was for sex, or if he had actually cared. She honestly didn't even care today.

Today would be the day. Her baby boy or baby girl would have been here today.

She knew for sure the nightmare would be back tonight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, since, I myself am curious to see what it would have been like if she had given birth to her baby, I am going to continue writing this. It may suck, a lot, but I don't really care...**

**And everyone's so fake**

"You're doing great, common Addie!" An extremely excited Mark spat out.

"Congratulations!" the doctor exclaimed, handing Mark a 6 pound 5 ounce baby girl.

Addison had never seen Mark smile like this. She guessed it was because he had never felt what true family was until this moment.

"God dammit," Addison said sitting up in her hotel bed. She hadn't had that dream before...she didn't exactly like it.

She laid in bed for the next few hours, staring at her alarm clock. With each minute that passed across the clock, more and more tears fell from Addison's face.

"I don't cry, I don't cry" Addison kept saying to herself in her mind.

She finally was able to fall asleep, only to be woken up by the loud sharp beep of the alarm clock an hour later.

"Go away," Addison mumbled to the piercing noise.

Why wouldn't it all just go away?

**And everybody's empty**

During the day at work, Addison did her absolute best to put the baby out of her mind. It was hard to between Callie giving her, "It's okay" looks all day long, and Mark glaring at her.

Finally her shift ended at 9 o'clock that night, and she shuffled across the street to Joe's. She sat there quietly as people happily chatted around her.

A few shot glasses later, she figured that she better head back to the hotel.

**And everything is so messed up.**

Addison's sleeping body had tears staining her cheeks as she slept silently.

As her baby girl was being handed to Mark, yet again, her sleeping mind expected herself to jolt awake. Tonight however the dream continued.

It flashed forward, and Addison could see herself sleeping soundly on her bed back in New York.

An absolute gorgeous little girl, who looked to be about 2 years old, was tugging on Addison's blanket, softly whispering, "Mommy...Mommy"

She watched herself sit up and grab the little girl who giggled loudly as Addison pulled her into a big hug.

"Can I see daddy now?" The little girl said sadly.

"Not today, he has to work, and he has a date tonight. Maybe tomorrow honey," Addison said softly, "What do you want for breakfast today?"

"...Spaghetti," The little girl smiled.

Addison saw herself roll her eyes, "Okay, let's go make some."

She couldn't take it anymore.

She rolled over as she woke up and looked around the room.

"I'm not ever going to sleep again," Addison told herself. It hurt too much.


	3. Chapter 3

**Pre-occupied without you**

"I hate to be the one to tell you this Addison, but you look like crap," Callie said while smiling nervously.

"I know," Addison mumbled.

"Are you okay?" Callie asked.

"I haven't slept in two nights," Addison grumbled, "I'm exhausted."

"Try and sleep tonight," Callie smiled, "If you need anything you know my number."

"Thanks," Addison smiled as Callie walked off.

That night in her hotel room's bathroom, Addison sat on the edge of the bathtub looking at herself in the mirror. She looked like she had aged a few years, her hair was wild, she didn't have any make-up on, even her clothes looked dull.

"I need sleep," Addison said to herself.

**I cannot live at all**

Last nights dream was replaying in Addison mind the morning after, as she sat outside eating a salad.

The dream started out with the little 2 year old once again, yet this time she was sobbing uncontrollably . Addison could hear herself and Mark yelling at each other, from what seemed to be downstairs.

"No more no more no more," she kept saying over and over again.

"Just leave god dammit Mark," Addison could hear herself shout bitterly.

"She's my daughter, and I can't leave, she's all I have," Mark shouted back.

"Then maybe you could freaking show you care every once in a while. It was her second birthday yesterday Mark. Did you even remember? No, you didn't," Addison said coldly, "You were with the latest one night stand, to preoccupied with having sex to come wish your daughter a happy birthday. She kept asking for you Mark, how could you do that too her? She hasn't even seen you for the past month!"

"You," Mark started, "Look, it's not worth the fight, I'll just go."

"That's great Mark," Addison said.

"I'm not coming back, it's constant fighting I can never do anything right," Mark said giving up.

"You never do anything at all," Addison shouted.

"Then there won't be any difference if I don't come back," Mark said opening the door and slamming it behind him.

The image faded from view and was replaced with darkness as Addison slept on.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay I don't like how I ended this, I think it sucks. But read it anyways. I wanna write a new fanfic, so I ended this one. Thank- you to everyone who has read this fic and for those who left me great reviews. Thanks again:)

During the following days, Addison dreamt the same dream over and over again. It began following her around everywhere. When she woke up in the morning, she found herself looking for that little girl. It was taking over a good part of her life, at the moment.

She was actually relieved when she had a completely new dream on her night of her day off.

The next morning she and Callie were out for lunch.

"Dreams?" Callie asked, "Hmm, well I guess that's probably normal...right?"

"I don't know," Addison said, "They suck though."

"What happened in the last one?" Callie asked.

"It was weird," Addison began, "I could see myself on the computer, looking at my daughters blog thing, on some site. Then it was her at school."

"How old was she?" Callie asked.

"I am guessing about 15/16..." Addison fake smiled.

"Well what else kinda happened?" Callie said.

"She was doing school work, pretty boring, and then she went to lunch with some friends, but the weird thing is we were in Seattle...why I don't know..I guess dreams are all over the place though." Addison mumbled, "She didn't look to happy, kinda grouchy, I hate grouchy."

"Was Mark there at all?" Callie asked.

"No, on her "blog" that "I" read, it said she hadn't seen her dad since she was two, due to the fact that he was a man whore." Addison said, "I have a feeling that's how it would be in real life as well."

"Hmm. Oh well, maybe it's just a way of letting you know things are okay like this," Callie smiled.

"Yeah, maybe so," Addison smiled.


End file.
